I had a nice relaxing day with my sister. We watched The Italian Job, which I had not seen in a while. I really liked it though! My sister said that it is the only "guy" movie that she likes ;] We were thinking about waiting for my parents, but luckily we didn't. They went out for dinner on the south side of Indy, so like an hour away. They had fun though so that was nice. I had a really nice time talking with her :) we talked about a lot of stuff, like my blog, blogs I read, and how I am doing right now. She is really curious about how this disease works. She asked me if I would consider myself to have an ED or not anymore. I really couldn't think of an answer to this. I feel like I have much fewer ED thoughts, but I do sometimes have them. The difference is that now i can differentiate between ED thoughts and those that are my own. I feel like it is in some ways a battle that I must continue, and not let myself forget that I am vulnerable, but I really want to think that I won't have to have that fear of a relapse in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that an ED is like an illness that you can get over, or is it more of a thing like alcoholism, where it is an ongoing struggle?
So the weather turned out to be nicer than I thought it would be, but I just didn't feel like riding :/ But I had a great time at my church group :] we did a service project, cleaning up a used clothes sale at the fairgrounds. I was glad I hadn't worked out before because it was a hard! We ended up having to take everything we loaded into the truck back out again at the church and upstairs. I had fun though :)
I got home and took Gretchen on a really short run. It was really windy and cold out :/ I think she enjoyed it more than I did :]
Then I went out with my sister. She needed to buy some books for school. I looked on the computer while she was looking and I found a book that I really wanted to read, Goodbye ED Hello Me, but they didn't have i in stock, or at least I couldn't find it :/ I am going to try and find it at the library though. Then we went and rented Precious. have any of you seen this movie? I really liked it, I'll tell you more in a bit :] Lastly we stopped at Chipotle to pick up dinner. I was a bit nervous because I don't ever go there, and I wasn't really sure about the nutrition. I was looking up the nutrition facts in the car and stuff, I don't know why, but I was just really nervous :/ I got there and it was all fine. You see them make everything and tell them what you want. I did find something really weird in the nutrition facts though. The hard tacos had less calories and fat than the soft. I would have never believed this before: Proof that ED LIES!! I ended up getting a rice bowl with pork (carneasada?), peppers and onions, lettuce, and green tomatillo salsa. I wanted guacamole, but my sister paid already and they said it cost more :( I was really proud of myself because after so much worry about the cals and stuff, I didn't look up what I ate or anything =D
Then we watched Precious. It is such a sad movie, but it is really inspiring at the same time. Precious is a 16 year old girl who can't read and is pregnant with her seco0nd child by her father. Her mother is abusive, and her life is a mess. The movie chronicles her time in a school for people that can't go to regular school. She overcomes her obstacles in life, and it is a so awesome to see her stand up for herself, after having such a tough life that would make most just lash out with anger. I recommend it :]
I am typing this in SRT, which I am not really sure is allowed, but my teacher is pretty cool and I don't think she cares ;] Or she doesn't notice... If she does I will say I am doing homework ;]
After school now, and the teacher didn't catch me!
after school today I got picked up to go to the dermatologist, and my sister went with me and we were playing with the chair when the doctor came in ;] I swear though, they really prescribe stuff on a whim. It is like, you say you have x, and they are like, oh here's x. I guess it makes for a quick appt though! Then we went to the library, and I tried to find that book, but it wasn't there :( I did find Inside Out by Madia Shivack and Regaining Your Self by Ira M. Sacker. I started Inside Out in the car, and it is really interesting. It is a collection of drawings a girl drew while in IP after meals. Have any of you read any of these books?
I cooked my tofu when I got home today. I marinated it in tahini, miso, a packet of raw sugar, and some water to loosen it up a bit. Then I grilled it to get it nice and crispy :) Here's a pic!! I had a little simple and it is amazing :) Sorry, it is not too photogenic, especially in it's plastic container ;]
I am so looking forward to tomorrow. Why you ask? It is the start of the training ride, and it is supposed to get to almost 60 degrees!! Finally the season for me to go out to the training ride, struggle to stay at the back of the pack on my bad nights and hopefully sprint to the front on the good days :] No really, it is a lot of fun and I can't wait to get back out there with friends and a huge pack. The ride averaged 50 people last year every ride with some over 100! I am so excited. I hope I can find a ride like this in Arizona :/ I am sure I will :]
Sorry for the long post, I guess I had a lot to say today :] I missed posting yesterday!
Have a great Tuesday, because you deserve it!!
Scott
No worries about the length-
ReplyDeletelonger the better! And, for your q, I believe that whether a total recovery is possible depends on the person as well as their genetic and psychological state. If I could ensure a complete freedom for every person with this
disease, I would instantly, and I believe that
with commitment anything is achievable.
Chipotle is on my list of tackles the next time I get the chance, so this post made me smile :)
Und... ja, ich spreche deutsch! Als ich elf war, hatte ich für drei jahre ins Deutschland gelebt. Aber ich habe ganz viel vergessen! Es ware auch meine lieblingsfächer, and I bet you are better at it than me now!
Wann du willst, kannst du immer mit mir auf Deutsch schreiben.
Hehe, that was good practice for me!
Be strong!!
I believe that anorexia in particular is a disease that can be recovered fully for. My therapist had it and struggle through recovery for 8 years, but now she has been completely recovered for 25. So I believe it can happen! And I also agree that it does sort of depend, like the person above stated. :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had a super duper fun weekend!
Maddi
i didn't post yesterday either, we must have been on the same brain wave lol! awesome that you and your sis are close enough to talk about this stuff, she sounds very supportive. it's complex, hard to explain to someone when we can't always understand it ourselves! MMM tofu, love the grill marks
ReplyDeleteWell done for having done so well with Chipotle. Isn't is so great when you realise that ED is lying to you? It makes it so much easier to fight your side.
ReplyDeleteWith ED, I think that it is something that is always lurking in the back of your mind. I'm sorry if this is a bit uninspiring and I know I'm too sick still to even gauge if I'm right, I just could never imagine not thinking about my ED because it's too important to my life. I wish it was otherwise and I haven't grown enough to find out but that just my opinion. I'd love to try the tofu but my parents think its too 'ED' of me because they think it tastes disgusting and no one likes it so you don't eat it unless ED tells you. I'd like to just try it. I tried it in the past and thought it was ok but I'd like to give it another go. Well done for talking to your sister too, is she older? I'd love to read the book with the girl drawing the pictures after meals. What were the pictures of? I'm reading an ED book at the moment too but I can't remember what it's called. It's really interesting though! I love how your blog doesn't focus so much on food, it just focuses on normality and happiness! Well done!
Love the blog
Hey there! Cool post! Anyway, about your question. I feel like I am recovered. Sometimes I still have thoughts like tonight when I was at the store: "I really shouldn't buy that, I'd probably end up eating the whole package tonight," but I went ahead and bought it anyway, as usual. The thing is, people without Eds have those thoughts too! I wasn't contemplating whether or not to buy food AT ALL. I was contemplating whether or not to get a large package of something extra, fun, and unnecessary, knowing that it is my weakness and it has nothing to do with deprivation, or to just to skip it or get a smaller package. I don't think if I had resisted it would have been Ed, but I didn't resist anyway. It's okay. The most important thing is that I didn't obsess over it, and I based my decision on what would make me happiest. Short answer: I don't think we're ever going to be 100% free of food/weight thoughts, but I think there is such thing as 100% recovery.
ReplyDeleteScott!!
ReplyDeletei loved this post..so good! chipolte! Go you :] that place used to be my fave! the gauc. is so good, next time :] what u got sounds amazing, and So nice that u and ur sister had a day together, she sounds so wonderful! that book, is supposed to be great! Maybe i'll read it as well :]
I think about being recovred from my ed...i will always have all the haunting memories, and little thought poping in and out of my head, in the years to come. But I Pray and hope that they will be so slight and far in the back. Just be something I had dealt w. and need to still take precautions, in 5-10+ years...but i want to believe full recovery is achievable :/ i hope so! for u, i see that u are going to be great :] YOU are amazing!
love ya!
maya
p.s: that tofu looks so good, great recipe!
Hey Scott - great post - so happy you were able to enjoy some time with your sister!!!!! Your tofu looks great - I love tofu!!!!
ReplyDeleteyes the weather is going to be great today so get out there and enjoy!!!!
P.S. i just got your message from last night on skype - sorry i missed it!!!!!!! Have a great TUesday!!!!!!!! xo aimee
The idea that complete recovery isn't possible is definitely not one that I like to entertain; I don't want to believe that this is a life sentence. I think that while there will always be a little voice in the back of my head that nags me over some food issue, it will eventually get quiet enough to not be considered disordered anymore. "Normal" people experience these kind of thoughts too, but they're still able to enjoy food and be happy. So, no, I don't believe it will always be an ongoing struggle; eventually we'll be free :)
ReplyDeleteI really need to try grilling tofu... I've only ever had it baked or scrambled.
I was wondering how you made your tofu!
ReplyDeleteI think it's possible to fully recover from an eating disorder. That's not to say that everybody WILL because you have to 1) want it, 2) be willing to take some major risks and challenge the thoughts, 3) hold on through the bumpy patches, and 4) believe that it is possible. Your Chipotle experience demonstrates a willingness to challenge yourself, step out of your comfort zone and face beard and your whole attitude shows that you DO want to. It might take a while and it might lurk in the background, but it sounds as if you are definitely making some huge steps forwards. I am curious about your history- did you ever get professional help?
I haven't read Goodbye Ed, Hello Me but I have her first book. It wasn't my thing, but I know it helps a LOT of people. I didn't love Ira Sacker either to be honest... I recommend Janet Treasure's book to a lot of people but I think it's more for people starting out in recovery. Gaining by Aimee Lui is a great book for the eating disorder grey period when you are not really eating disordered but not really recovered...that kind of inbetween phase when the good days outweigh the bad but there is still work to be done/questions you have.
Love that you and your sister are so close :)